The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on whether an outdoor cat can be kept inside and how to handle a relative with aggressive parenting tactics,
One of our two cats, both of which are allowed outside, is a regular killer of mice, rats (OK), baby rabbits (bad) and hummingbirds (unbelievable and terrible). We previously ascribed the killings to a male cat who is now gone. My dilemma is this: She will suffer the loss of her accustomed freedom if we keep her inside (and is likely to tear up the house) but will continue her reign of terror if we let her out. We could take her to a shelter, but we know how that would end. Help! Name Withheld
I’ve been rather haunted by a prizewinning photograph by Jak Wonderly titled “Caught by Cats.” It shows the intricately arrayed bodies of 232 creatures, mainly the kind with beaks and feathers, that encountered a creature with claws and whiskers. The photograph draws attention to a still larger picture of predation. A few years ago, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service estimated that in the United States alone, cats kill something like 2.4 billion birds a year. That’s a multiple of the estimated number killed by wind turbines; indeed, little else that humans are involved in — not tall glass-clad buildings, not impacts with motor vehicles — comes close to our pets as a source of avian mortality.
Little else that humans are involved in comes close to our pets as a source of avian mortality.
Responsible animal-rights groups now agree that our feline companions should not be left to roam free. (I need not belabor the harm done by those who abandon their cats, imposing hardship on the animal — a stray cat’s life is nasty, brutish and short — and replenishing a wild population of bewhiskered bird killers.) Bringing her to a shelter would help only if she ends up in a home where she won’t be let outside to hunt those hummingbirds. And as you imply, there’s a risk, at most shelters, of her being euthanized.
You clearly care about your cat. I say: Why not keep her? PETA, for one, says that “cats can live happy lives indoors.” You have your doubts about how she (and you) will fare if she’s kept in the house. So explore the options available to you. You can get her to do less damage indoors by the use of scratching posts, by keeping her claws trimmed and by various forms of training. If you want her to spend time outside, you can try to accustom her to a harness and see if you can train her to walk on a leash. If you have the space, you can create an enclosed “catio.” And if you feel you must let her out alone, you can at least equip her with something like a neoprene CatBib or a rufflike Birdsbesafe collar, devices that seem to reduce bird predation; a bell might help, too. There are many threats to the bird population — not least habitat loss related to poor land management, industrial agriculture and, of course, climate change. Keeping our cuddly carnivores from roaming outdoors is only part of the solution, but this one is right in our laps.
While visiting my hometown, a disturbing scene between a relative’s husband and their very young daughter repeatedly unfolded before my eyes. The daughter had a slight cold and did not want to take the over-the-counter medicine that her father was trying to administer, so he laid her down on the kitchen counter (in front of the entire family) and proceeded to jam the medicine into her mouth using an oral syringe. The child was clearly distressed and tried to fight off her father, who would not relent until she took the medicine. Another relative offered to take the child upstairs to calm her down so that she would take the medicine. The child’s mother sharply responded, “He’s handling it.” This same scene played out again a few hours later.
I had never witnessed anything like this in my family and was completely shocked. My other relative told me that the father verbally bullies his daughter when she won’t eat her meals, pressuring her to eat, after which the defenseless child sometimes vomits. Food that is left over from dinner routinely shows up in her lunch the next day and apparently is not eaten.
During this same visit, the child’s father shared with members of our family some examples of aggressive parenting that he endured from his own parents, and it’s clear that he is passing along this legacy. Even more disturbing is that the child’s mother, who did not grow up in an aggressive household, is going along with it. There are other examples of what they may consider “tough love” that I’ve heard about that demonstrate a lack of empathy and sensitivity, and which seem unnecessary and just plain mean.
I’m deeply concerned about the well-being of the child, who is an intelligent, sweet little girl. I’ve discussed this with the other relative whose advice and offers to help are summarily rejected. Should I leverage my relationship with the mother, with whom I am very close, and discuss this with her? It feels wrong to do and say nothing. Name Withheld
What you’ve described illustrates the way appalling parenting habits can be perpetuated by people who, having experienced such treatment themselves, think it’s normal. You’re not talking about mysteriously unexplained bruises or burns: To go by your account, it’s all done openly and unapologetically. Yet the very fact that this man doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong poses particular challenges for getting him to change his ways.
The syringe story is actually less worrisome. It was certainly wrong: For one thing, you don’t need to be medicated for a mild cold. Still, there can be cases in which a child resists medication that’s genuinely necessary. That resistance can usually be overcome: by simple patience, as your relative proposed; by masking liquid medicine in chocolate syrup — it’s a long list. As a last resort, however, a child may be held and the medicine carefully syringed in. Yet even here the father wasn’t doing it right: As a pediatrician I conferred with noted, it’s better if a child receiving liquid medicine is sitting up, not lying down. Add in a pattern of verbally abusing a child to get her to eat, and doing so in a way that leads to vomiting? In too many communities, such practices are deeply entrenched and culturally accepted. But research has documented its harms, including psychological ones.
And yes, you should intervene. But learn from your relative’s experience and think hard about how. One route would be to discuss these practices with a pediatrician and pass on what you learn to the husband. I don’t know that men who perpetuate authoritarian parenting habits are likely to respond positively to advice from their wives’ relatives. Class differences, if they exist, may further complicate the conversation. But invoking external medical authority might help. Alert the child’s own pediatrician, too. And have a real conversation with the child’s mother. Try to get a sense of her relationship with her husband. They may both resent your other relative’s meddling, and you don’t want the child’s mother to think that you’ve been enlisted in that campaign — that she’s being ganged up on. But, as long as we’re confident that the man is not also abusive toward his wife, there’s reason to wonder why she has given such free rein to her husband’s wrongheaded ideas about child-rearing. Conveying your concern in a thoughtful manner might cause her to rethink what she has been condoning.
Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. His books include “Cosmopolitanism,” “The Honor Code” and “The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity.” To submit a query: Send an email to ethicist@nytimes.com; or send mail to The Ethicist, The New York Times Magazine, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018. (Include a daytime phone number.)
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